The 10 Things I Learnt Watching 'Take Me Out'

1. Every week I secretly hope that one of the girls falls down the stairs.

Oh come on, I know you agree with me. Let’s face it, that’s the only reason we make sure we’re sat down as soon as the intro music has finished playing. 30 single girls, a set of large stairs and 30 pairs of 5 inch platform heels? It’s fate. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I’m wearing heels, anything involving a slope or steps requires me to slow down and focus 110% on where each foot is going. Add a television crew to it, and it’s like watching a glamourised version of Takeshi’s Castle.

Here’s it happening on series 2. Pure TV gold.

2. Paddy McGuinness and his crew are clearly starting to run out of one liners.

Some of the latest being:

Let the Tool, see the Box.

Let the Shepherd see the Pie.
Let the Toad see the Hole.

At first they were clever and even I would heartily laugh at home, but now it’s obvious that the ideas are running a bit thin, and the writers are looking around their home for inspiration. With that in mind, here are a few suggestions of my own:

Let the Washing Up see the Sponge.

Let the Hamster see the Ball.

Let Last Night’s Cheesy Chips see the Bin.

Let the Greasy Hair see the Dry Shampoo.
Let the Window see the Bird Poo.

3. The more times you wink, the more likely you’ll be to get a date. Apparently.

On Take Me Out, it’s classed as flirting, and the audience ‘woo’ if anyone does it. If I was to do that to a guy in a bar I’d probably look like I was having a stroke. That’s not a good look for anyone.

4. The more stupid you are, the more likely you are the get a date.

Not knowing the location of a town/city/country are the most common happenings (“Kent? Is that in London?”). So if you’ve got a degree and are considering going on the show, you’d better forget everything you know about everything and start thinking like a WAG. Bonus points for getting the name of the guy wrong, too.

5. If any guy or girl was to try any of these chat up lines in real life, they’d probably be punched in the face.

The worst one I had was a guy who came up to me and asked me to stroke his shirt. I politely asked him what the fuck he was doing and he said ‘Sorry, just wondered if you thought this was boyfriend material.’ Yeah. That actually happened. I’m still trying to forget it.

6. Any girl who doesn’t wear a dress on the show = “WHAT ARE THEY WEARING?”

It’s almost written in the rules that girls on Take Me Out have to wear the smallest, tightest, cleavage-enhancing dresses they can find. Occasionally one breaks the mould and wears a jumpsuit or a pair of shorts and a shirt. If one of them is invited out from behind their podium by Paddy (Because come one, you were too interested in seeing if they tripped up at the start to notice what they were wearing) there’s a small gasp when you see they’re not in fact wearing a dress. How can they not be wearing a dress? Is there something wrong with their legs? But it’s okay, it’s only for one episode; they’re back wearing a dress the next week. Phew. Back to normal. Must have just been mix up in the dressing rooms or something.

8. Retro girls always get their lights turned off first, fact.

Oh, yes, I can see you’re being individual and are rocking your own style, not conforming to the norm, with a cute 1950s quiff which is great and everything, but unfortunately no one likes that, at all. Also, where’s your dress?

9. Girls turn their lights off for some of the stupidest reasons.

And they wonder why they’ve been single for 3 years?

“He has too many friends.” So, you’d prefer someone with no social skills?

“I don’t like the shoes he’s wearing.” I’m sure he has other shoes, love.

“He does rock climbing, and I’m scared of heights.” He’s not going to force you to climb a mountain just to be with him. And if he is, then he’s got issues.

“He’s got the same name as my dog.” Well why don’t you just date your dog then?
“He’s a plumber, and I don’t like getting my hair wet.” I didn’t realise he’d be using you as a wrench, but whatever floats his boat.

10. Paddy McGuinness would be the coolest Uncle in the world.

He’d be a bit too much to handle to be your dad, but seeing him at weekends and at weddings would make family get-togethers so much more fun. He’d be great for giving you some ‘Paddy Love’ when you lose your job or break up with your partner. Eating Sunday lunch around him would be a bit hard though.

“Uncle Paddy, can you pass the roast potatoes?”

“Let the third helping of roasties, see my fat niec-“

“No likey.”

The 10 Things I Learnt Watching ‘Take Me Out’

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